Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What if I could become someone else?

I have just completed the first week of meditation class. I thought it went well. This is a bit surprising because I have spent a good part of each of the last three years being increasingly depressed and not that positive about any darn thing. One of the first things I notice is that all the thoughts I have during meditation are exceedingly profound. Of course I have many thoughts while I am trying to meditate. That is, those times that I am not asleep. The first week we were given permission to listen to our bodyscan cd while lying down. I did that. You might think it makes sense that I would fall asleep listening to calming music and a voice leading me through visualization that includes breath moving methodically through every body part, but I remember trying this cd last summer and just being so annoyed that I couldn't continue and turned it off with an "I can't be bothered." And you wouldn't necessarily expect that I would fall asleep in the middle of the day right in the middle of the living room floor. But last week, that is what I did. Repeatedly. The last day I tried right after waking up in the morning, and had gotten tantalizingly far through the body scan--I found out that we breathe up and down the spine, and the chest was coming after the spine! Then my daughter came in.

Tonight at the second class we were asked to do sitting meditation. "Nothing magical about sitting," said our teacher, "except that you can be comfortable and you can do it for a long time." A man who is having extreme pain in his back and feet was offered a dispensation to lie down. "Can I lie down?" I said. Then I laughed, because I had just got done reporting that my experience during each practice was that I was still pursuing the elusive end of the bodyscan cd because I had fallen asleep. Luckily my teacher and some classmates also laughed an appreciating the joke kind of laugh. I was sitting, so less apt to doze. Consequently, I was very productive. I furnished the new space we are building, I planned how I would make myself endure the winter better, I thought of colors and shapes and my son's halloween costume. Many things were interesting and seemed easily doable as long as I was being required to sit. One of the things I thought was "I should write these thoughts down. I want to start a blog. I have so much energy now I could stay up and do it tonight." So here I am, doing that. Amazing. This doesn't seem like me at all.